One Reason Why I’ll Never Be P.O.T.U.S.

Last Sunday I finally found the time to start my regular visits to “The West Wing” again and once I started it was really difficult to stay away. And now it’s difficult to not make this post a long one, gushing about the guys on the show and the stories and everything. I’ll do that in a post later, I promise. I’ve watched episode 6.09 and 6.10 last night, in which Bartlet suffers through a severe MS attack. Of course I watched the events unfold with slight unease, because a) I’m hypercritical when it comes to MS portrayed on TV shows / movies and b) I usually try to not think about what could happen to me one day. It ’s not that I’m really want to be oblivious and ignorant, because I do know the facts and I know what could happen. But most of my MS attacks have been comparatively mild, so I’m trying to keep that in mind and I hope that my life with this disease will be compartively normal. And believe (or at least try to) that I won’t suffer from severe attacks in the future, when I haven’t suffered from severe attacks in the past. Maybe that wishful thinking. I’m sure, part of it IS wishful thinking. But it’s that wishful thinking that is keeping me sane. Because I usually am a glass-half-empty person and worry too much and anticipate the worst. If I did that with the MS, I would have gone crazy a long time ago.

NaBloPoMo – November 2009

Ever since I read about NaNoWriMo a few years ago, I thought I’d have to participate some day. I don’t know if I ever will though. Not this year, that’s for sure, because I’ve been so busy writing that grad school assignment over the last few weeks, that I’m not inclined to start another long project right away. A few days ago in some blogs in my blog list, I read about taking part in the NaBloPoMo instead and I thought about giving that a try and revive the kind of neglected blog of mine. But then I thought about the couple of days of which I already know I’ll be offline and not able to post and discarded the idea of blogging every day during the months of November. Until LJ reminded me that there is such a thing as pre-scheduled blog posts. Why didn’t I think of that myself? I’m not sure I know my blog hosting services well enough to pull that off, but I’m willing to try. Luckily I already posted yesterday on November 1st, so here I go… (I probably would have posted that today anyway :-) )

2nd Week of Sick Leave :-(

Well, that didn’t turn out like I planned. The corticosteroid IV actually helped with the MS attack, everything’s more or less ok on that front. I even handled the sideeffects (lack of sleep, restlessness) rather well, I thought. I could keep the muscle pain (from the ‘withdrawal’) in check with rest and some painkillers on Saturday.But yesterday afternooon my heart started to race. Or at least it felt like it did. It was beating fast and hard, like I had run a marathon. It really felt wrong and my heart didn’t calm down, even when I was going to bed and lying still. I also felt slightly nauseaous, which might have been caused by the racing heart and the growing panic, that it didn’t calm down. Or maybe the heart was beating so fast, because I was feeling nauseaous.

I went to my neuro this morning for the post IV bloodwork and also told him about my symptoms. He was sure that that this was caused by the meds I got last week, because that’s bascially what the do the bloodwork for: To check the elektrolytes (K/Na etc) status in my blood, which might have been messed up by the IVs. And a misbalance in elektrolytes can cause all sort of things. The bloodwork results won’t be back before tomorrow though.

Seize The Day (after IV 5)

It seems like it’s going to be a beautiful day today. At least it’s not raining, among the clouds the sun is shining. I’ve finished my corticosteroid cycle. Life is good. The meds were definitely working. Which made it easier to handle the sideeffects during the last few days. The vast lack of sleep. I only got another 5.5 hours tonight and hunger drove me out of bed around 6.30 AM. My mind is not really up yet, but it’s getting there. I feel unusual energized, which I always do after the 5th and last IV and before the dreadful withdrawal signs will start later this afternoon. The worst part of a heavy corticosteroid IV cylce, when every muscle from neck to hip feels sore. Really really sore, like I was used as a punching bag.
I should use the time until then to be productive. Use the energy. There is some work-related stuff, and local Greens stuff and the long forgotten termpaper. Plus dirty laundry and dishes and a messy apartment. I’m also tempted to visit a homeproduct retail store this afternoon. With all the time I’ve spent in front of the TV this week, I realized I really need something to put my feet on. Or I’ll ruin my back, the way I’m lounging in my armchair :-) This “thing” needs to be put out of the way easily though, because of the crowed space in my room. I’ve got some idea what to use. Not a real stool or table, because these might be to heavy to push it around whenever I’m going to leave my spot in front of the TV and want to do something else.

Am I the only one who is surprised about the big 100th episode spoiler Shonda Rhimes is supposed to have announced yesterday? Not suprised about the spoiler itself, but just about the fact that she just said it. Which totally spoiles the surprise, doesn’t it? But she probably knows why she did it. I hope she does :-)

Oh, well I should get going. Have some real breakfast instead of just the apple I had to satisfy my growling stomach an hour ago. Get out of my pjs, take a shower. Seize the day…

IV 4 & US Presidents…

Four done, one left to go tomorrow. I was so groggy last night, went to bed around 10.45 pm and got about 5 and 1/2 hours of sleep last night. Plus some short naps for the rest of the night, well morning actually. But it definitely was in improvement. I felt rather relaxed, when I got up. At least for the situation I’m in. And the corticosteroids help to keep the tiredness at bay during the day. I was actually feeling up to think about some stuff. About local politics and budgets and such. Vast improvement to the days earlier this week, which were only spent with watching DVDs. I love watching DVDs, but when you know you could and actualyl should spent the day more productive, it makes you feel bad to not be able to just that.

Anyway, today I did. I also spent some time doing Facebooks quizzes. Pointless I know, but fun every once in a while. And one made me laugh so hard, because the question which West Wing character I am, was answered with… no, not Donna Moss, but Jed Bartlet himself. Which is especially funny at the moment, with me on MS sick leave and all. And there wasn’t even a question about health problems.  But I’m obviously presidental material… :-)

IV 3 And Random Thoughts on LOST…

It’s a weird day today. I got about four and a half hour sleep last night and lay awake in bed for the reminder of the night. Heard the guy in the flat upstairs get up around 5.30 am, heard the birds sing and twitter, but also the wind and rain and snow outside. ARGH. It’s late March, it’s spring, why does this nasty winter weather have to return now. It stayed nasty till about an hour ago, when suddenly the sun beamed out of the clouds. Well at least it tried to beam. It looks lighter outside. Question is: For how long….?

Even though I’m lacking a lot of sleep I’m feeling not too bad today. Drugged up, but at least not too listless and not too hyper. Something in between, which feels strange, but might actually help to get some minor things done. Prepare my income tax return and things like that. Send some mails. Easy stuff… I’m even up to reading again, which I couldn’t get myself to do the days before. Because my brain was either too tired or too busy with other thoughts. The things some meds do to you. But I have the feeling that the meds are actually helping, so I shouldn’t complain… I’m afraid they will have to take another vein tomorrow though, which sucks. I’m left-handed and prefer to have the IV on my right arm, but it looks like the inside of my arm around the vein is starting to bruise. I guess I’ll have to wait what the medical assistent thinks about that tomorrow…

During the waking hours this morning I suddenly thought about some LOST stuff. Don’t ask me why…

IV 1 and 2 …

Yesterday and today I have had the first two IVs of corticosteroid to lessen the effects of my current MS attack and I’m doing ok so far. My sense of taste doesn’t seem that badly messed up as the last times. Everything I eat still has a slightly metallic taste to it, but it’s just a slightly taste. Yesterday I spend the early afternoon to take care of some Local Greens stuff, delegating meetings and assignments I can’t work on at the moment, because I’m just not up to it. After that I spent the rest of the day catching up with the last three Brothers & Sisters episodes I’m really worried about Robert and Kitty now. Really worried.
I actually wanted to go to bed rather earlier, because my body was getting tired. But my mind wasn’t… Stupid meds. So I didn’t turn in before 11.30 pm. I woke up around 2.30 am and couldn’t really go back to sleep again. I dozed of for approx. 20-30 minutes several times, but it wasn’t really relaxing and so I got up with a pounding headache. Stupid, stupid meds.

At least I’m the only patient at my neuro’s practice to get IVs at the moment, so I don’t have to endure boring or annoying and forced conversations in the mornings. I can read and listen to my Harry Potter audiobook and just pass the time somehow in private. And I even still had the energy to cook some lunch today. Yay me! But now I’ll retreat to my comfy armchair, with a book, some chocolatey stuff and forget about the crazy, nasty and not-spring-like weather outside. And I’ll most probably will finally continue my visits to the West Wing tonight. I haven’t been there for a while…

Medical issues…

It seems like the busy weeks and all the stress are taking a toll on me. Or at least on my central nervous system and my immune system. Because after only five months I’m having a new acute MS attack at the moment :-(
It’s not that bad and it sort of sneaked into my life without me really realizing it at first. My legs felt unusual heavy last week, but I thought that it had been caused by overstraining my legs. But even when I took it slow it didn’t get better and I noticed that walking up and down steps felt unusual difficult. I also noticed that my legs kind of cramped when I got up after sitting for a longer period of time and it took me a few seconds to actually feel like I can move them they I used to. This was and is a completely new symptom for me, which feels strange, but didn’t and still doesn’t worry me that much. I almost worry more about the fact that I’m not overly worried. Yes, my brain works in strange ways sometimes. I’m even more worried about the strange pain and numb feeling in my shoulder, which must be an ortho thing or something like that. Because it just occurs every now and then. But it got worse, which irritates me a little …

Notes from the Christmas Vacation…

How unhealthy is it to have dinner around 10.30 pm? Well I’ll just pretend I’m living in Italy :-)

I have a hard time staying out of the West Wing these days. A really really hard time. Thank god I’m on vacation and don’t neglect anything important. Except all the stuff I wanted to do during this time off. Well, it’s not so bady (yet) and I got some things done, when I stayed away from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. I made a backup of the important files (+ music, photos and such) of my computer harddrive to an external drive. I finished a long overdue update for a fan-website (there are still a lot to work on though). I wrote down a few ideas for all 10 questions of the assignment for the mobility course. And I started reading the stuff for the Enviromental Education course again. I think I did ok for a first day of doing school stuff since the middle of November.

My family had a rather laid back Christmas Eve like usual, but it was nice (as usual). It was great to have our mom back home even if it’s just for a few days. And I finally have a “date” for New Year’s Eve. It will be just as laid back, I guess. Hai_di and I will refresh our LOST memory with watching a few episodes from the last season. The new season starts on the 21th January and we definitely have to refresh our knowledge of all the things that happened. And then we will have cheese fondue with her parents and sister, so… yes, very laid back I guess. But I don’t think I’d be in the mood for a big loud party anyway so these plans are perfect.

Weekend Recap…

Well, I guess the worst is over for now. The acute attack symptoms are better. I still suffer a bit from the side effects of the steroids IVs (after a week I finally figured out that THIS is what these meds are usually called in English *g*). Right now my body is still reacting to the withdrawel after being drugged up for five days. I had a lousy time last night, because every part of my upper body hurt. It felt even worse than it did the last time (2,5 years ago) and the pain isn’t gone completely yet. But at least right now it only feels like I’ve heavily overstrained my muscles while last night I felt like somebody has used me as a punching ball.

In all these years I’ve never had so much problems with heartburn / too much stomach acid as side-effect of the steroids IVs. It’s really bothering me this weekend, especially as I don’t have any nonprescriptions meds at home for that and have to keep it at bay with drinking a lot of water, milk and eating white bread. Which probably will have put a few more pounds on me. I checked my weight this morning and I can only hope that my body still contains lots and lots of fluids from the steroids IVs (5 x 1000 ml/day) and that my weight will get back to normal within the next week *sigh*

For the first time during the last week I felt a bit more productive today. I read some things for the local committee meetings next week and even thought about doing some stuff for job #2. My brain wasn’t up to that yet though :-) Instead I cleaned my apartment, at least superficially and even did one load of laundry, but I was feeling really tired afterwards. I guess my body still has to catch up on last week’s lack of sleep. Maybe I will read some things for my next grad school course later tonight while I’ll continue to listen to the hockey radio broadcast. The game on Friday was rather eventful and entertaining and I’m a bit sad that I’m not at the game tonight, but my body really still needs the rest today. But I haven’t been to one game in Cologne yet, which is rather unusual. I’ll definitely try to be there next weekend though.

I’ve watched so much TV shows/movies via DVD this week, that I decided to let the German TV program wash over me last night and surfed the channels, while I was trying to ignore that stupid pain in my upper body. I don’t want get into the whole quality TV debate, but I have to admit that the program on most of the public broadcast stations isn’t that bad. Well it could be much better, but at least most of the programs are sort of informative, educational, well something like that, even if it’s just a quiz show on N3. The commercial stations showed some wanna-be-celebs talking about their sex life or a new show called “Singing Company”, which probably was the worst and most embarrassing program I’ve seen recently. It really really made me cringe with vicarious embarrassment. How can any company decide to take part these kind of shows? I’m so happy about my extensive DVD collection. And my shelf of unread books. And the internet with online hockey radio :-)