I have no idea what’s wrong with me. Not “wrong” in the “feeling sick” kind of way, because I feel ok. Not quite my old self yet though, because I’m so tired all the time. Well, maybe not ALL the time, but much more than I used to be. Not just tired physically. I feel like I also have a slight “getting motivated to do anything” problem. It’s weird to explain and written down it probably already sounds worse than it is. I don’t know… I just feel weird. And it annoys me. Not quite knowing how to get over it, annoys me even more.
This “feeling weird” thing probably also is the reason, why I still have a lot of things I want to / should do, but I prefer to procrastinate instead. I excel at procrastination by now. I still haven’t started to work on that termpaper, which I have postponed in February and which is due in September. I haven’t started a new class yet either. I’m doing tiny bits of research for the paper every once in a while, but I should just clear my schedule for a weekend and start writing it for good. It’s the same with some stuff for my local Greens or town council work. I could work on various topics, but I don’t.
I also really should start to work out again. Either at the gym or on the bike (or even better… both), but I haven’t gotten my lazy ass of my couch yet. I thought about taking a ride on my bike this weekend, but then I slept so so poorly last night and woke up late and there is no way I’m starting to exercise at noon when it’s already around 30 °C. Too lazy to do it in the evening today either. As my schedule for tomorrow is already packed, I have to use the morning hours to clean my apartment (which I could have done today, I admit, but as I slept so poorly I couldn’t really motivate myself to do that. Did I mention my current motivational problems :-)?)
I’m still here! In case anyone was wondering… ;-) But I was busy with work, watching the worldcup and some other stuff over the last few days. I was also still not quite 100% to my old self, healthwise. I’m still more tired than usual and I can’t write coherent blog posts when my brain is too tired. Even though I have quite a few things on my mind at the moment (maybe too many things and that’s what wearing my brain out as well *g*), I still don’t manage to put some of that into a blog post.
There are a few new photos at least…
2010-06-16: The other side of the RUHR2010 Starbucks mug
Even after three additional days at home I’m feeling slightly off. Not as much as on the weekend or Monday, but still… Every once in a while my heart still beats like a jack-hammer, even though if I’m not exerting myself at all. When I’m merely sitting or lying somewhere. Every once in a while it feels like the blood is rushing to my head and I get dizzy. Maybe the weather is playing it’s part in all of that as well. I don’t know. The neurologist practice informed me that my bloodwork came back fine, only the lipase concentration is a bit high, but I should just come and have that checked out again in 2 weeks. According to Dr. Google a high concentration of lipase can cause all kinds of symptoms, but none of the ones I’m experiencing, so it’s probably really no big deal…
I’ll be spending the afternoon at my Mom’s, where I will first of all have to prepare my very own pasta salad, because Bro#3 recently complained that I’m not doing that as often as I used to for the whole family. Well, he didn’t really complain, but he mentioned it and then my mom sent him to get all the ingredients and now I have to step up :-) But as I enjoy eating it myself, it’s quite alright. The rest of the afternoon I’ll probably lounging on the sofa or outside on my Mom’s patio, listening to part 3 of the Outlander audiobook. I’ve almost reached the part, where the people of Cranesmuir drag her to the stake. Big revelations lay ahead and I’m looking forward to Jamie’s reaction, brought to me by the voice of the wonderful Davina Porter.
Ever since the final episodes of LOST aired a few weeks ago I wanted to write this (or at least a similar) post and explain why this particular end of the show bothered me. It took me a quite some time to actually figure it out and even while I was typing this over the last few days my thoughts still were all over the place. LOST is such a huge and complex and complicated story after all. Always has been, always will be and that is what I loved and still love and will love about this show. But I think another reason why it that took me so long to actually write down my thoughts in a coherent manner was that the the main objection I had to this ending, was surprising for myself and I had to think about that for a while.
But first of all I have to state that LOST was an exceptional show and I don’t regret being a fan of it, because all in all I had so much fun watching it. Thinking about it, discussing events, coming up with theories, trying to solve mysteries, answering questions… watching it has been an adventure and it never (or just rarely) has been boring. And I haven’t even been a die-hard LOST fan. I didn’t really obsess about the show or the characters or wondered about the “bigger picture” or anything. I just enjoyed the unique adventure / fantasy / science-fiction plots and I loved the characters and to see them grow as human beings and to see them find their purpose in life.
It was this combination of both aspects – on the one hand the fantasy / science (-fiction) stuff and on the other hand the philosophical / spiritual stuff – that I considered the show’s biggest quality. I didn’t necessarily expect to get answers for every question and every mystery we had encountered on the island over the last few years. At some point in season 2 or 3 I learned to accept LOST as the crazy, creative, mysterious, intelligent and entertaining piece of television it plainly was. A place where the laws of physics didn’t all apply. Where a scottish conscience could travel through time. An island which was off every map and couldn’t be located.
It was fun to watch and as it was a fictional TV show I didn’t really expect a plausible scientific explanation for any of it in the end. The genre is called science-fiction for a reason! If it’s good and entertaining fiction, I don’t mind a bit, that it was all just made up. And as it was entertaining for the most part I even was able to ignore that the smokemonster looked so fake and thus not scary for most of the first few seasons. To ignore that the frozen wheel which turned the island or the plug on the well of evil looked like props from a underfunded 80s movie of the “Indiana Jones”-adventure genre. Just to mention a few of my tiny pet peeves.
I haven’t gotten out of the how much during the last week, so this latest batch of project365 pictures is rather domestic…
2010-06-07: Purchases at a special offer booksale
I didn’t feel too bad yesterday on the day after the last IV. The symptoms have lessened quite a lot, which I’m grateful for and which is the only thing makes the whole corticoidsteroid IV bearable. Because today? I feel crappy! Really crappy! I was doing fine yesterday throughout most of the day and already in the afternoon took some ibuprofen to help with the severe muscle pain of the corticoidsteroids withdrawel. It helped more or less and after dropping off Bro#3 at a friends and getting some groceries I tried to get comfortable at home. Took another ibuprofen, had dinner, watched the worldcup, went to bed early. I slept alright until around 3 AM when I had to take something for the pain again.
I usually do better on the 2nd day after the IVs, but this doesn’t seem to be the case this time. I woke up early and felt rather well rested (still in some pain though) and got a few tiny things done this morning. But around noon it just hit me again. My body still hurt and I felt dizzy, I felt sick to my stomach, my heart was (and still is) pounding heavily and I feel like the blood is all rushing to my head and it might explode anytime soon. Ugh! I hate that! I spend some time at my Mom’s this afternoon just to be in some company and now I’m back home, still feeling crappy and wallowing in self-pity. This really really sucks!
I didn’t take any painkillers all day, but I’ve just popped some paracetamol now, in the hopes that maybe that will work, if the ibuprofen didn’t do the trick yesterday! And then I’ll be snuggeling in my comfy loungechair in a few moments and watching Team Germany’s first match at the worldcup on TV. They better not screw this up! I need some good news tonight. (And I’m not even a real football fan, but it’s the worldcup, so….).
The one thing that helped me through this crappy day? Listening to the epic lovestory of Claire and Jamie :-) I’m still (or better all over again) so in love with this couple. The next chapter will be the wedding night, so definitely something to look forward to. During the intermission or after the match.
After a packed and busy first week and second week during which I was sick, my lodgings definitely turned into a messy and filthy crapartment, like Lexie Grey would have called it. That didn’t stop me from spending over an hour in my (yes, momentarily slightly filthy) bathroom pampering me. Because I was so in need of that. My choices for tonight’s acitivities were either go to bed and try to get some sleep and feeling sorry for me, because I was feeling rather crappy all day. Or to pamper myself in the hopes to get my spirits up a bit and to make me believe that the worst of the side effects is over, that I will finally get some sleep and that I will wake up very refreshed and active in the morning. Being very awake and active in the morning of the day after the last IV isn’t uncommon for me and my crapartment could really use a active person tomorrow, because I really have to clean up that mess. Before the also common withdrawel symptoms will hit me in the late afternoon and I’ll take some ibuprofen, retreat to my comfy bed or loungechair, try not to move to much.
But at least the IVs seem to be working. The current symptoms have – if not completely, but to quite some degree – disappeared already. So at least I know why I’m letting my bloodstream be flooded with corticoidsteroids for 5 days and deal with all the side-effects. Last night was the worst so far and after not even 4 hours of very choppy “sleep” (closing my eyes, drifting off, waking up again, closing my eyes), my night was over. But as my body was so so exhausted it took ages to get up, take a shower, make some breakfast, walk to the station… A Zombie probably was more lively than me this morning and throughout most of my day. And the most annoying thing is, that even though I lay down I can’t fall asleep! At least I couldn’t during the day, but I hope it’s going to be better tonight.
I hate to sound so whiney at the moment… but at least I’ve got a good excuse, haven’t I? The one thing that’s really helping to lift my spirits is the Outlander audiobook. I’m so happy that I found that wonderful offer and finally figured out how perfect my iPod is for listening to audiobooks. The narrator Davina Porter, is doing such a marvelous job and it’s so wonderful to be back in the 18the century Highlands. I just hope that I won’t let this audiobook distract me from the things I really start to be doing next week. Studying, working on my termpaper and all. But I will definitely let it distract me for the rest of this week…